What Stops Me?

In every one of us, there is something that stops us.  This something keeps us stuck in our small I's and prevents us from moving toward our heart's dearest aspiration, the wish for consciousness- whatever that may be.  For being, whatever that may be.  For a development of essence, as Gurdjieff spoke of it.  Even though these may be indefinable ideas to our minds, we know that this wish is valid.

More, the fulfillment of this wish is necessary for our development.  How do we know this?  We simply know.  It's in us.  We know.

What is this something?  How can we see it?  How can we know what it is?

The fact is, we cannot see it because it's too obvious.  It's right in front of us.  Therefore, we are blind to it; it's not in our field of vision.  It's too close.  But once, by work and by Grace, we do see it, we cannot avoid seeing it again and again, permanently and inescapably, in every aspect of our lives.  Because when we see it, it's too obvious to ignore.  It's right in front of us, squarely in our field of vision, unavoidable.

This may seem a strange formulation, puzzling to our minds, but there it is.  We are unaware of this something in us that stops us because we know exactly what it is.  When we see it, we will know it in a new way; it will be completely clear and we will wonder how in the world we could have spent our lives looking for it in all those other directions.

The energy we've spent avoiding it is far more than the energy needed to confront and work with it.

Work with it we must.  To make it our life task to see and stand like an adult in front of it is an absolute requirement.

You could say this something is like a tree.  Its roots go very deep into our psychology.  We have spent years of our lives, some of them the best years, making room for it, getting around it somehow, justifying it, condemning it, minimizing it, ignoring it, assuring ourselves that it's really OK, not that big a deal, even though we know somewhere and somehow that its perhaps the biggest deal of all because it works to spoil our lives and our prospects.  All this, and yet we dont look at it squarely and so we cannot see.

This is man's sleep; in Gurdjieff's terms, you could say it's a large part of what he called the Terror of the Situation.  When we see and understand it, we know what such terror is, and we may beg for mercy from whatever power may be able to grant it.

In my own case, I was struck dumb by the discovery.  There it all is, I've always known this in every detail, but I never looked and so never saw.  I never tried to understand in a way that would open my mind and heart.  I never stood in front of it.  And it has nailed me to one spot from which I could never move, despite my pretensions of having a wish, a goal.

Quite astonishing.

But once all is revealed, we have a real question, an alive question, not the small questions that so occupy our time and efforts, but a mountain of a question.  Perhaps a Mount Analog to climb.  Because once recognized, this something need no longer be such a torment, a twist in our minds and hearts.  It becomes a guide, the knowledge of which can lead us to a higher sensitivity, a lookout that gives a view of the greater world in ourselves, a true hope, a living wish.

This also brings responsibility.  We must work with this new seeing, deepen it, immerse ourselves in it without identification (identification makes us lose ourselves in it).  We can't out-think it and we can't just reach into our minds and eliminate or change it.  That's a fools chase; the tree is rooted too deeply.  We have to be sly men and women.  We have to isolate it, surround it with seeing, be aware of it always, and look beyond it to something that can move us toward the real consciousness we have always known we must have.  Finally, we have a chance to DO in Gurdjieffian terms.

The more we see, the more we do.  This is a golden opportunity, one to be grateful for, one to pursue to the end, no matter what.

Let's revisit the question:  What is this something?

Perhaps some will see it as what Gurdjieff, in his earlier days of teaching, termed Chief Feature.  It may be.  Certainly, it's a chief feature in any event, though terminology is not so important to me now.  To my knowledge, chief feature is something rarely, if ever, considered anymore.  Probably it seems too far from us, too remote a concept, too hidden, too hard to get our arms around.  We don't have a Gurdjieff to tell us when he deems us ready to withstand the shock of knowing.  It would be easy, in any event, not to see or accept or understand, as was the case with some of his followers.

No, we have to see it for our own selves, on our own dime, so to speak.

Only then will it be ours.  And like the seekers in Mount Analog, we will hear the preemptory shout of the guide telling us to stop dithering and get moving.  Time counts and moves on, and in my view no one should be content to die without having made this monumental discovery for himself, and without knowing that peculiar feeling of love that, for me at least, always accompanies those rare moments of genuine self-discovery.

To those whose aim is self-study, this must take a priority of attention.

If we can help it, we must give nothing the power to stop us.